This theme song is from one of my favorite shows. I remember watching M*A*S*H almost every day as a kid. The local television station showed it at 5 p.m. and 10:40 p.m. We (my brother, Don and I) could always watch it at 5 p.m., but to watch it at 10:40 p.m. was almost a treat. The reason for the odd start time was due to the fact that it followed the local news.
I truly believe that the local station, KSL, didn't truly know what the shows humor was about. KSL is owned by the LDS church so when I think about the fact that they showed M*A*S*H not once, but twice a day and one of the times was when children would definitely be up - it makes me chuckle.
My very favorite episode is called "Deal Me Out". It revolves around a poker game and the players coming and going during the game due to various problems both stupid and humorous.
I have composed the following list of some of my favorite quotes from M*A*S*H. They are in no particular order and I will probably add to the list later.
From "Deal Me Out"
Radar to Major Freedman: Sir if you’d like a drink, compliments of Col. Blake, Scotch, Gin, Vodka and for your convenience all in the same bottle.
Captain Pac to Klinger: Earrings with a Sweater?
Frank to wounded soldier (played by John Ritter) who tosses tray: There’s a war on and we’ve no time for violence
Frank to wounded soldier: There’s nothing wrong with you, see. It’s all in your head, but don’t get the idea it’s psychological
Frank: Intelligence is something I try to avoid
Captain Halloran to Klinger: Hey. Up close you’re a guy.
Klinger’s response: Far away too.
Captain Pac to Radar: Hey Corporal Is this a little guy about 5 foot nothing anywhere between 50 and 200 years old?
Radar: Yes sir.
Captain Pac: He looks like he fell off a charm bracelet?
Radar: Yes sir.
Captain Pac: His name is Hwang?
Radar: yes, That’s what he said sir.
Captain Pac: You know who you got here Henry. The famous “Whiplash Wang”
From "Der Tag"
B.J. to Hawkeye with toe tag: What are you writing?
Hawkeye: Emotionally exhausted.
B.J.: And morally bankrupt.
Hawkeye: We addressed him but we didn’t mail him.
From "5 O'Clock Charlie"
Major Houlihan: Frank, Give them a direct order.
Hawkeye: Oh do Frank, we've never ignored one of those.
Frank: How can you just sit there and just let yourselves get bombed?
Hawkeye: One good bombing deserves another.
Henry to General Clayton: A suggestion has been made that we could use an 04 WW NUG. Yeah that's right sir. A Nug so that we can uh, uh... What's a Nug sir? A Nug is a gun sir. A 40 mm Gun.
Hawkeye: We definitely do not need a nug.
Hawkeye: Cause when it comes to pus we always think of you Frank.
From "The Abduction Of Margaret Houlihan"
Klinger: She's either surrendering or signaling for a touchdown
Klinger: This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables.
BJ: Hopalong Ferret Face just shot me in the leg.
Frank: Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Major Houlihan
Col. Potter: I see. So naturally, you shot Captain Hunnicutt.
Frank: Well, what's so funny, Corporal?
Radar: Sorry, Sir
Col. Potter: Don't blame the boy, Burns. He knows a good joke when he sees one.
Radar: Oh, well, "nudidity" makes me breathe funny.
Col. Flagg: Okay, pip-squeak, what tipped you off?
Radar: Uh, well, you don't look anything like you, sir. And since you're a master of disguise, I figured you're the only one who couldn't look like you that much.
Col. Flagg: I'll buy that... for now.
Col. Potter: Pardon me for asking, Colonel, but why are you dressed like an Italian usher.
Col. Flagg: Can you keep a secret?
Col. Potter: I think so.
Col. Flagg: I'm disguised as Ling Chow, Chinese double agent.
Col. Potter: Funny, you don't look Chinese.
Col. Flagg: Neither would Ling Chow if he were dressed like this. Follow me?
Col. Potter: As far as I'd like to.
Col. Flagg: This won't look good on your record.
Frank: It's only Reader's Digest
Col. Flagg: Not when you eliminate the third, fifth and sixth letters. Then it's Red's Digest, Comrade.
Col. Flagg: And, uh, round up a box of scorpions. About a dozen.
Radar: You mean, uh, scorpions scorpions?
Col. Flagg: Big ones.
Hawkeye: What the hell are you gonna do with a box of scorpions?
Col. Flagg: It's personal. Gift for a friend.
Col. Flagg: If you can't find scorpions... get two snakes and a rat.
Hawkeye: Why stop there? Why don't we just drop an atomic bomb?
Col. Flagg: Hey, don't try to make friends with me.
Frank: Colonel Flagg and I don't need you.
Col. Flagg: My father touched me like that once. To this day, he still has to wear orthopedic shirts.
Col. Flagg: Count on me. I can find anything.
Hawkeye: Can you find my virginity? I lost it 20 years ago. I haven't seen it since.
Radar: Sir, what about your scorpions?
Col. Flagg: That's all right. I'll get some from home.
Col. Flagg: Now, everyone close your eyes.
B.J.: I beg your pardon?
Col. Potter: Close our eyes?
Radar: Oh, no, no, no.
Col. Flagg: When I finish a job nobody sees me leave.
B.J.: I forgot. You're the wind.
Col. Flagg: I'm either swallowed up by night or disappear in the mist. It's my trademark. Now close your eyes.
Hawkeye: I'd rather close my ears.
Col. Flagg: If you don't close your eyes, I'm not leaving.
Hawkeye: The wind just broke its leg.
Note: This is a work in progress - so it may be added to and the format changed.